


The Words I Forgot To Say

by denkinkykamimami (orphan_account)



Series: My Diary [1]
Category: My Hero Academia
Genre: Countdown until i meet them again, Diary, F/F, F/M, Gen, M/M, Multi, No proofread we die like men, Online Friends, Other, i may or may not cry every time i read their goodbye messages, online friend, self-centric
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-02-11
Updated: 2020-03-26
Packaged: 2021-02-27 19:27:35
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 26
Words: 6,138
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22700971
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/denkinkykamimami
Summary: Basically a bunch of diary entries until I reunite with my online friends.mature for a lot of swearing, suicidal language, and occasional sexual references.
Relationships: kiribaku club
Series: My Diary [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1633585
Comments: 13
Kudos: 7





	1. Introduction

February 11th, 2020.

3:31 AM.

I never expected to have grown so attached to people I’ve never been face to face with. But alas, I ignored the constant warnings from my mother and downloaded the app anyways.

135 days.

135 days since I met the idiots that changed my life.

Now, let me backpedal a bit.

September 28, 2019 is the fateful day I met those fuckers.

I had just gotten into My Hero Academia, and I downloaded amino via recommendation of a friend. Scrolling through the amino, I found something that caught my eye.

•KIRIBAKU CLUB•

not knowing what it was, i clicked on it and was met with the liveliest chat i’ve ever been in, with over 300 people. I joined, and clicked immediately with a person known as Xan, and a person known as Mama Kiri. 

We talked for about 2 weeks before I got introduced to Kami, my first online best friend. And shortly after that, we were already voice calling via discord. 

5 chats (they were deleted due to reports.) and 4 months later, we have our own full blown amino, and some more new friends, known as mido, zumi, vee, pops and eddie. we voice chatted a lot and we already knew each other’s real names. life was great, until my mom started caring more. i started feeling horrible about lying to my mom about talking to people online, so me, being a conscious little shit, deleted the amino with nothing but a goodbye post. 

if any of you guys are reading, just know how sorry i am for leaving. i love you all so much, and i’ll see ya next chapter!


	2. An Actual Entry from my Physical Diary

Entry One

February 12th, 2020.

9:36 PM.

mama, i did it. 

nat and gf got cooties at the dance.

In words that others can understand, I kissed Ashley, my girlfriend, at the dance. I can’t thank you enough for giving me the confidence i needed to do that. Yet it just made me miss you more. I can’t escape my thoughts of you guys, and it’s getting real damn annoying. but besides that, my day pretty much sucked. I wish I could’ve talked to y’all, but I have to stay strong. you know, pops told me something. he said, “...sometimes you have to do whats best, even when it hurts.” and i’m taking that message to heart. it’ll be one i’ll remember for years to come. thank you pops, for not begging me to stay. if you had, i don’t think i would’ve left, which would be a blessing and a curse.

I really wish my mom would let me have free reign. i knew what i was doing. i have a fake name, after all. surprise? i was actually planning on telling you guys my real name about a week ago, but marching band made me forget about the whole thing. the truth is? my real name is my fake middle name. I won’t say more than that, just in case someone I know is reading this, but if you remember my fake middle name, it should be pretty easy. some things you just have to keep hidden for your safety. 

“I’ve done a lot of stupid shit, but I never thought one would be to fall for a bunch of people I’ve never met.”

\- me to my mother.

see you guys next chapter.

sorry the grammar and organization is fucked up, i only write in my diary very late at night and it can be hard to come up with actual good shit.


	3. My Reason to Live

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> basically an ode to the friends i wish i knew irl

Entry Two.

February 13th, 2020

5:15 PM.

Life without talking to you guys has been... well.... really tough. I really need to stop talking on the discord chat. It’s driving me crazy that I can’t pop in some earbuds and join the voice chat. 

I visited the amino today. just a little peek. and pops’ post... made me cry. I know what he’s feeling might not be completely my fault, but i can’t help but feel guilty. I don’t know what to say. I just sent a little message and went on about my day. It still lingers in the back of my mind, though. Makes me want to just fly to california and hug the shit out of him. he’s my unofficial big brother after all, and siblings stick together. 

On a happier note, I was able to read yalls goodbye messages, and they made me cry. Why is this a happier note? Well, lately I’ve been feeling... suicidal. not just because of my leaving, but for personal reasons. Y’all might have just given me my reason to live. 

You know what that is?

It’s to talk you guys again someday. 

And it will happen.

I swear on my life.


	4. The Best People I’ll Ever Meet, My True Home, My Family.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> a short ass chap i wrote 3 seconds ago

i’ll always remember you guys, whether y’all remember me or not.

i’ll be back. 

7/10/22

why that day? it’s the day i turn 16. i’ll be independent. and most importantly,

i’ll be back with the people i love most.

i already have my countdown, and i’m counting down the seconds.

see you then? i swear it.


	5. The Worst Valentine’s Day.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> i wish i could rant to you guys right now.
> 
> days gone:  
> II

Entry Four.

February 14th, 2020.

4:51 PM

Today was easily the third worst day of my life.

(2nd? The day I left the Amino. 1st? When I lost all of my finger nails.)

Why? 

Well, let’s travel back to this morning, around 9:30 AM ish?

Im walking to school, everything is nice and dandy, 

until i see cops surrounding my school. 

The crossing guards are telling me to stay back and hide in the grocery store near the school, maybe 15 minutes walk away.

So I’m running to the grocery store when I run into my girlfriend, Ashley, and her friend Drake. So we’re running, and just as we’re about to make it, my ex-boyfriend Tom intercepts us. If anyone from the amino is reading this, then you know how much of an absolute *dick* he was being. Well, today was no different. He called me and my girlfriend a variety of names such as f*gg*t, n*gg*, and some i don’t even want to say.

So let’s fast forward a bit. It turns out that it was nothing major (thank god.), it was just a precautionary code red test to make sure we could handle situations we thought were actually real. 

So, I’m in 5th period, and i’m so glad it’s almost the end of the day, until this bitch named Danniella comes up to me and asks me for the valentines present i have in my hand (which was given to me by ashley), and of course, I refuse. She tries multiple times to grab it until i literally have to politely smack her hand away. You know what she does?

She starts fuckin crying.

Crying on the spot. Why? Turns out, she’s in love with me. Of course, i’m creeped out to the max, especially with the fact that she has a BOYFRIEND, and she’s trying to break me and ashley up. 

Now, here’s where the really fucked up shit happens. 

There’s this person named Anastasia that i used to be really close with, but she dropped me once i started dating tom. ugh, that dick.

anyways, Anastasia comes up to me, and wants me to steal something for her at the local shopping mall. Me, being an extreme scaredy cat, I say no. 

She gets really mad but then asks me to get her something for valentine’s day and bring it to marching band practice tomorrow. She also wants me to bring one for her friends Derek, Lucy, and Jennelle, and I do it. 

Danniella, the girl from earlier, overhears this conversation and calls me a ‘manipulative bitch’ and a ‘whore’ and tackles me, causing her and Ito get ISS.

Great day today, don’t you think?

I really wish I could’ve told you guys this stuff over text. God, I really wish I wasn’t such a manipulative pussy. So many of my friends have left for that reason, and i’m tired of it!!!

You know what makes it worse?

The reason why I’m so manipulative?

Let’s rewind, 2 years ago, today.

Im walking with my friend Giselle, and we’re having a great time. She asks me to wait for her while she goes to get a soda from the gas station by our neighborhood. I wait for a few, but she doesn’t come out so I go on my way. Doing so, she comes out of the store and starts running to catch up to me. Not paying attention, she got hit by a car. And I got to witness it.

Ever since, I’ve never said no when someone asks me to do something. 

so now, let me just say: I FUCKING HATE VALENTINE’s DAY. I loved it until 6th grade, which was when the Parkland shooting happened. Thank god I was not at the school at that time, since it was a high school,, but it wasn’t a great day. That’s also the anniversary of the day my friend got hit and killed by a car. this day just carries so many memories, and it’s driving me insane. they still haven’t found the person who hit my best friend with a car, and the parkland shooter is still on trial. JUST GIVE HIM THE FUCKIN DEATH PENALTY ALREADY. HE KILLED SEVENTEEN PEOPLE. ITS NOT OKAY!!!! JUST BECAUSE HES UNDER EIGHTEEN DOES NOT MEAN HE CANT BE PUNISHED!!!! im probably just in a really bad mood but it’s all so maddening. 

i have to go for now, but I might continue this later. 

Peace out guys.


	6. My Mother

Entry Five.

February 15th, 2020.

09:05 AM.

I was talking to my mom about my girlfriend yesterday, and i think she might be a tad bit homophobic still.

She keeps on saying my homosexuality is ‘brought on’ by my friend Nevayah, which is completely untrue, since she’s straight. It’s just that we’ve been ‘hanging around’ a lot. Can I not hang around with my friend that’s a girl and not feel attracted to her?

Mom, I have a girlfriend, and I’m loyal.

Now, onto a slightly sadder subject:

I was looking at the radio, and you know what song came on? Follow You Down by Gin Blossoms. Why is this song important? It was the song on the radio when i joined my first discord voice chat ever with you guys. I still remember those dumb Bob Duncan fanfictions that we’re being read by the person on groovy, it was great. God, I miss that. Even if i didn’t know who anyone was except Xan and Mama, it was great. And my last voice chat had Mido and Eddie in it. I had only just met them, and it was one of the most fun voice chats I’ve been in. I can’t thank you guys enough for giving me that.

Even now, I wish I could talk to you guys. It’s kind of ironic, that I left on my own accord, and I’m missing you guys this much. Trust me, had my mom continued to be an asshole, I wouldn’t have left. Still, I’m glad that my mother has showed another side of her. I wouldn’t trade her or you guys for the world, though.

See you tomorrow? Who’s even reading this still?

I don’t know, but I need somebody to rant to. I’m so alone without you guys. You guys were my home, my friends, my best friends even.

I wish I never left. But I can’t turn back now. I have to do whats best, even when it hurts.

Thanks, Pops. You’re the one whose keeping me sane through this, even if i’m not talking to you anymore, I still have your quotes that night that keep me moving on.

See you guys tomorrow, if anyone’s reading this.


	7. The Truth. (club members, please read.)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It’s been 4 days, and I’m still an emotional shit.
> 
> And the truth comes out.

Entry Six.

February 15, 2020.

11:04 PM.

I don’t even know the purpose of writing anymore. 

It’s not keeping me sane, as I can tell from my very present sleep paralysis.

So how have you guys been? 

If I could have one wish, ever? It would be to be able to meet you all in person. Although, wouldn’t be the best of ideas since I’m not who you guys thought I was.

Truth is? My name’s Reese.

My name is Reese, and I’m not six foot. There.

Im so fuckin self conscious of my name and my height, that I had to use different ones in my online persona. 

That pathetic meme? Garbage. I’m probably shorter than any of y’all. I’m 5’2. And a lot of people at school make fun of me for it and it’s annoying the shit out of me. That, piled on all the shit that’s going on in my life, is the reason why I self harm. 

Some things I didn’t lie about?  
1\. Eating a spider (which was so regretfully stupid-)  
2\. My age and the state i live in  
3\. My whole nail ordeal (although i wish it were a lie-)  
4\. Marching band and drum line and all those goddamn music lessons-  
5\. my sexuality and gender issues

so those two things are the only things i lied about. 

You know, I had 3 internet friends named Ashley, Abigail, and Dilay. Ah, I remember those 3. I lied to them too. Said I was 17 from Iowa. God, I was cringey back then. I didn’t think I was going to lie again.

Every single time you guys called me Nat, it made me want to just blurt out my real name right there.

If you guys don’t want to talk to me anymore, I understand.

:)

Sincerely yours,  
Reese, not Nat.


	8. Okay, I’m tired of this bitch.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> who is this bitch? school.

Entry Seven.

February 17th, 2020.

5:45 PM

Bro, I’m so done with school.

Everywhere I go, all I see is memories of you guys.

Examples? Well, we just got a new transfer student FROM WHERE MIDO LIVES named Catherine.

WHAT. THE. FUCK.

Now, I know this isn’t the real Catherine that I talked to online (hi Cath, if you see this, just lemme know if it’s you which it prolly isn’t.), but her voice is so high pitched just like Mido’s.

Y’all, leaving y’all was much harder than I thought it would be. I always get attached to people and the memories follow me around forever. Hopefully you guys don’t forget about me before I rejoin.

Anyways, I’m mad for not posting yesterday. Fucked my whole counter thing up. Oh well.

On slightly better news, I am doing much better emotion wise. Besides today when the new girl transferred, I haven’t thought of you guys too much, although at night when i can’t fuckin sleep, memories crash into me like a bus i wish would.

Can y’all just get tickets for Beetlejuice over spring break? Maybe then we could meet-

Just kidding. I wouldn’t ask you guys to waste money for me, although it is a great show so if you’re planning on going whenever it’s so cool-

If someone knows how to do an image on this dumb app, hmu please-

bye for now!


	9. Running Away.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Well, I’m not actually running away. Metaphorical running away. Don’t ruin my moment goddammit.

Entry Eight.

February 18th, 2020.

5:41 PM.

I just realized that I’ve been so somber in my diary entries. I guess it’s just the fact that I transfer these from my diary irl to this website. 3 AM can rlly catch you in the feels man. Anyways, to the name of the entry.

Im running away.

From my problems.

Gotcha there, didn’t I?

Probably not, since it’s in the summary lmao-

So yeah, I’m just gonna quit marching band and guitar. yay!

Why marching band? Well, it’s offseason, so we’re practicing for literally nothing, except for next year, when i’m going to be in high school.

Why guitar? If some of you guys saw my rant, it’s horrible. I had to get a job AT 13, and pay for lessons i don’t even like with my own fuckin money.

So that’s one great thing that has happened. So maybe if, no, WHEN I see you guys again I’ll have more time to talk. 

Now, to another thing:

im working on a mural on my bathroom stall door at my school. It’s for you guys, and it’s coming along great :). Hopefully, I’ll have it finished and i’ll maybe post it on amino or something if i ever get the chance. 

Although, I have amino deleted, and I intend to keep it that way. But I might just redownload it for a sec, just to check up on things and post it and then leave a few hours later.

But it’s really fun to work on, so i don’t care if you guys get to see it or not. (although, i think i would die if i got to show it to y’all). Hopefully I don’t get in trouble before I complete it.

With lots of love,

Reese

(P.S: debating on whether i should write yalls usernames or real names on it. What should I do? Comment below! (and also, if anyone knows pops and mama’s real names, please send (:)


	10. I didn’t mean to put your message in spam vee-

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> if someone knows how to take a message out of spam, lemme know por favor?  
> (someone pls check my spanish, I haven’t taken it since 6th grade-)

Entry Eight.

February 19th, 2020.

7:00 PM.

I officially quit marching band today. I’m really happy about that. Although it was really fun, it was just so tiring. Thank god I don’t have to take it next year.

I’ve been working on that mural, and it’s coming along slower than I’d like it to. After all, I can’t stay in the bathroom all day. I only go in one class a day just so they don’t get suspicious. But, I only have one class near the bathroom Im doing it at. I would do it in a closer one, but the doors are textured and very dark, ruining it.

Sorry this is so short, not a lot of shit has been happening. 

OH ONE MORE THING. I still cry when I read yalls goodbye messages.

Im rlly proud of myself that I haven’t redownloaded amino since i deleted it. It’s a real milestone for me, and I’m glad I’m getting better.

I didn’t think it was possible to be happy in the shadow of something sad. But I’m here for it. 100%.

I just wish none of this had to happen.

You know, someone came up to me, and they asked me;

“Do you ever regret leaving your online friends?”

Without having to even look, I gave them my answer.

No. And I never will.

Talking to people online is a risky move. Amazingly, I associated with the nicest people I’ve ever met, rather than a child molester. Or atleast I don’t think y’all are. I hope not-


	11. shit

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> shit

Entry Nine.

February 20th, 2020.

6:09.

school is ending soon.

fuck, i’m not ready to go to high school guys!!!

im hyperventilating, i can’t breathe.

i don’t want to leave my current school guys please help.

i love my school, ion wanna leave goddammit help me please-


	12. Holy shit holy shit I’m hyperventilating

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> SCHOOL’S ENDING IN THREE MONTHS, AND IM FLIPPING THE FUCK OUT.
> 
> Warning: Contains Suicidal Language.

Not an Entry.

GUYS I JEED HEELP

IM NOT READY TO LEAVE

I WAS JUST WATCHING A BUNCH OF GRADUATION TIK TOKS AND I IUST REALIZE WE ONLY HAVE 3 MONTHS LEFT BEFORE IM IN A FUCKIN HIGH SCHOOL. ITS BAD ENOUGH THAT I HAD A PANIC ATTACK DURING COURSE REGISTRATION-

I CANT DO IT. I NEED TO STAY BEHIND. I CANT LEAVE.

I HAVE MY TEACHERS AND MY BAND DIRECTOR. HES ONLY BEEN HERE FOR A YEAR, AND WE HAD A SHITTY OME FOR THE OTHER YEARS. ITS NIT FAIR!!!! HE MADE ME THE DRUMMER I AM TODAY, AND IM JUST SUPPOSED TO WALK AWAY FROM THAT?! ITS BAD ENOUGH I HAD TO LEAVE YALL, AND NOW HIM?! I CANT FUCKIN DO IT. I MIGHT AS WELL JUST SLIT MY THROAT IF THATS WHAT MAKES THE PAIN GO AWAY.

I CANT LOSE ANYONE ELSE GODDAMMIT!!!!! IM SO SICK OF THIS FUCKIN BULLSHIT. I JUST WANT TO END IT ALL IF ALL I GET IS SUFFERING AND ALONE. ITS NOT WORTH GOING THROUGH WHAT I WENT THROUGH WITH YOU GUYS AGAIN.

why do i shut everyone away? why do they shut me away? i cant do this. i might not update for a while, i need to get my head on straight. if i don’t write for a long time, don’t assume the worst :,)


	13. so... i tried out for the second best film school in the state...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> and....

I MADE IT!!!!

I MADE IT INTO THE SECOND BEST FILM HIGH SCHOOL IN THE STATE-

well the first best is a college in Tallahassee, so obviously i’m not there yet- 

IM HONNA CRY IM SO HAPOY UGH THIS IS MY DREAM-

GUYS I WISH I COULDVE CHATTED WITH YOU GIYS ABOUT IT, BUT I JUST FOUND OUT TODAY, BUT I APPLIED LAST AUGUST-

YALL IM SO HAPPY UGH UGH UGHHHHHH-

HEHDJTJRJNRJTJTJT

i haven’t found out if i’m in the IB program yet ,(which is basically just a program where you take a lot of hard classes but only have 2 years of college) though and i’m scared about that. But regardless, it’s such a great opportunity and im so excited!


	14. and also

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> fuckin fractured my kneecap-

Entry Ten.

February 24th, 2020.

5:56 PM.

FUUUUUUCKKKKK.

WHO KNEW A FRACTURED KNEE COULD HURT SO FUCKIN MUCHHHHHHH HOLY SHIT-

THERES A BIG ASS GUCKIN BRUISE ON MY KNEE AND YHE DOCTORS THINK ITS FRACTURED.

OWIIEEEEEEE

YALL DONT EVER GO ICE SKATING IT HURTS-

hey but atleast i don’t have to take gym for the rest of the year??? that’s good i guess-


	15. that moment when you’re going somewhere and waiting SO LONG to get in the car while wobbling on crutches when you realize that you’re gonna have to wait about 10 minutes standing straight up and it hurts like a bitch-

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> im in pain :)

Entry Eleven.

February 25th, 2020.

5:15 PM.

High School Update: no word on the IB program :(

Im getting surgery soon! And I’m actually really really excited because my knee hurts like a bitch :(

But here’s some good news! I just found out that my brother made it into the best middle school in the state, Bak! Im so happy for him! He’s an amazing singer :)

Imma just start ending all my paragraphs with some kind of face i guess :3

Quirky, right? :D

It’s still a real pain in the ass to get in my car though. It’s a pickup truck and i’m not even tall enough to get in it with normal legs. I wish I were a fuckin tree, then Id have no problem. But, I am 5’3 as the doctor said so that’s good right? I wasn’t even standing on both legs when she measured me so i’m rlly hopeful. :,)

Im running out of things to say, like fr. I miss those days when we would just talk about the most random shit, or make fun of mido (hi mido). It actually makes me happy when I think about you guys, rather than sad. I feel like that’s progress, and I’m totally here for it. :o)

Um, I’ve been doing much better in school since I left. I’m up to 2 Cs now, none of which are math, which I’m super ecstatic about. I have an A in math!!!! It’s crazy how much I’ve grown since I left. I still miss you guys everyday though, but I’m progressing a lot. :$

I’ve been into astronomy a lot lately, and I think that’s what I want to minor in in college. Random, I know, for a middle school student to think about. But I like to talk about this, since when I bring it up to my parents, they think I’m too young to be thinking of this shit. :,(

Anyways, I have to go to drum line now, so I have to sign off. I’ll write tomorrow! :-0)

See yah! :?


	16. you know that feeling when your life is going so FUCKIN GREAT and then something HORRIBLE HAS TO FUCKIN RUIN YHE MOOD.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ashley didn’t get in to the school I did. She’s mad. at me.

don’t you just love it when your gf gets mad at you because she thinks that you are an ungrateful little shit for getting into a high school that she didn’t?

well, I do now.

so here’s the scenario.

im hobbling on crutches with my gf, walking to my next class, which was math (not important). ashley gets an email from the school, and we drop into a nearby restroom to check (u can’t have phones out in school)-, and it wasn’t a good email. so we walk out, and she looks like she’s about to cry. and then, she asked me if i got in, which i replied that it doesn’t matter. she knew it was a yes and got so pissed. called me a cheater and a skank and kicked my knee so hard, i felt it through the cast. ow. 

and then she runs away.

i get why she’s mad, just why does she have to take it out on me?

blocked me on all social media’s, blocked my phone number, and wrote a rather rude message and put it in my locker. 

“Dear Reese,  
This year was so fun. until YOU ruined it. [school name] was MY dream school, and you took it away from me you manipulative bitch! and you told your online whores before me. cheating skank. just go jump off a building, maybe your online friends will catch you.

Your ex,  
Ashley”


	17. Chapter 17

im honestly gonna stop with the entry number and im just gonna put the date :)

February 28, 2020.

9:00 AM.

i just hate it when i’m doing something fun and then you guys pop into my head. i mean, it’s good that i’m not forgetting you guys, but this is really getting to me sometimes.

but considering how i was when i first left, i’m doing much better. ever since i left the discord, i’ve started to feel better. yeah, it was sad, but i proved myself i was _growing_ , you know?   
  


You guys are still in my heart, i hope you know that. even if you guys don’t feel the same.

Now into some better stuff, i’m getting my nails done today. this is a huge step, considering what happened _last time_ (for those who don’t know, all my nails fell off because i got a rlly bad infection, so bad to where i had to get tested for cancer-)

Im actually super stoked for it. It’s a huge step for me, but I am rlly nervous. One of my nails isn’t fully regrown and i’m worried they’ll turn me down and won’t let me get them done.

Since my appointment is soon, I unfortunately have to head out. Talk later? 

Oh and y’all my birthday is in 4 months and i’m rlly excited to turn 15!!!


	18. TODAY MARKS 6 MONTHS OF KNOWING YOU GUYSSSSS

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> OMG AAH

:) i miss you guys (:


	19. i’ve made a decision (also, happy leap day!)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> :)

I’ve decided...

That I am going to start lurking on the amino.

I will not be joining chats, so don’t bombard me. I’m seeing this through. I’ve made so much progress, I’m not backing down now. 

:)

My mom and my sister have been fighting a lot, and it’s rlly making me sad to see them fight. I left amino to repair things between me and my mom, but now they’re fighting, and it’s making me rlly sad. I want my mom to be happy. Would rejoining make her happier though? It seems as if she favors my sister, and I think it makes her really sad to fight with her. Maybe I should just stop. Stop what is the question. Stop with this bullshit diary, or stop standing around while my mom is crying so hard. My sister’s kind of a bitch, not gonna lie. She’s always dragging everyone down, including me. Even my brother who’s in 5th grade gets bullied by her. I wish I could just log on to amino, and just forget this bullshit I call a family.


	20. are you guys in conflict?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> nobody’s been on and there’s a bunch of posts about something and it’s making me worry

if you guys are going through something, please tell me what’s going on :,( i’m worried. if it’s nothing, well, im just stupid ig


	21. ion even know why i still write this thing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> sorry it’s been 4 days

I had surgery on Sunday, and it went rlly well. 

The shit that they make u high with hasn’t worn off so i’m still a bit tipsy. I haven’t been to school since my surgery, so that’s good. 

These entries are so short honestly. I should just stop.


	22. i joined back :)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> :)

i’m so glad i’m back. i know i said i was gonna be gone a rlly long time, but i just can’t.


	23. GOD FUCKIN DAMMIITTTTTTT

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> EVERYTHINGS GETTING  
> FUCKIN
> 
> CANCELLED

I WANT TO FUCKIN DIE

JAZZ BAND COMPETITION AND SOLO COMPETITIONS?

CANCELLEEDDDDDDD.

GRADVENTURE?

CANCELLEDDDDDDDD.

FUCK THE FUCKUN SCHOOL SYSTEM. >:(

AND THE FACT THAT NY PARENTs WONT GIVE A SHIT AND JUST TELL ME TO SHUT UP WHILE IM SOBBING IN MY ROOM IS NOT MAKING IT BETTER.

THE EIGHTH GRADERS LAST YEAR GOT TO GO, THIS ISNT FAIR. WE ALL LOOK FORWARD TO GRADVENTURE. ITS THE LIGHT AT THE END OF THE VERY LONG TUBNEL. IVE WANTED THIS SINCE 6TH GRADE, AND NOW THIS FUCKING VIRUS HAS TO COME IN AND TRASH EVERYTHING. I WANT TO FUCKIN SLIT NY THROAT AND DIE. WHY CANT I JUST GET THE VIRUS SO THIS BULLSHIT ENDS?


	24. Honestly I’m just gonna stop this bullshit

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There’s no way i can live with myself while still talking to you guys. It’s over for now.

02:25 (2;25 AM)

I love you guys so much. i couldNt havE askEd for better frienDs. you guys Helped mE escape my buLlshit of a life and everything haPpening.

But all good things must come to an end. I know this philosophy all too well.

Something’s missing from my life. Happiness. You guys were the only place I could get that besides band class at my school. And now that’s gone.

I’m just so sick of this bullshit I call a life. Yesterday, I actually contemplated suicide for the first time in a long time. Im holed up in this shitty house, with a curfew of FOUR PM, and a mother and a bunch of siblings that drag me through the dirt. Fuck this stupid film academy, I don’t want it anymore. My mom does. She thinks I’m worthless. I agree.

I joined yet another discord and fell in love eith those fuckers too. Of course they would never replace you guys, since you guys take up more than half of my heart, but I don't want to leave them.

Doom, Cheerio, Emile, others? If you’re reading this, it’s meeeee toasted. Welcome to my shitty life.

Honestly, my life seems made up, even to me. But yes, i really am a fucking dumbass who hides it by trying to be funny.

I’m not the type of person that hates the stupidity jokes. In fact, I quite enjoy them, cuz they’re more true than u think.


	25. this quarantine really has me thinking

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> what if i never see any of my friends ever again?

(6:53 AM)

I really need to stop staying up so late.

I don't think I've gotten more than 5 hours of sleep this week. But quarantine really has me thinking.

What if I never see my real friends again? Then all the progress I've worked up with not talking to you guys would be gone. I don't want that.

I rely too much on you guys to lose that. I want to go off on my own with my real friends, spread my wings and go to a normal fucking high school. aSadly, that isn't going to happen.

I noticed that one of my good friends is on the roster to go to the same school I am, so atleast I have something to look forward to.

But the day I'm really waiting for? April 15.

April 15 is supposedly the day we are supposed to go back to school. And I can't fucking wait anymore. This break has just been crying, thinking, and more crying for me. My mom thinks I'm depressed at this point. Well, I'm not, but I'm pretty damn sure I'm close to it.

As I write this actually, I am on the verge of tears. I guess writing to you guys has that effect on me. I wish I could just put it in the rant chat so you guys could actually read it.

Fuck my dumb ass. I don't know why I feel so much regret every single fuckin time I join back. I love you guys, but I'm scared. I'm not scared of you guys, I'm scared of the person I've become. I would completely ignore my family every time I'd talk to you, I would never hang out with my brothers (who are both 7) and play with them, and I would always hole myself in my room, closed off from everybody except you guys.

I'm also scared of you guys, not a lot though. I'm scared that you aren't the people you say you are. People say talking to people online is the dumbest way to get kidnapped, and for a while I believed that myself. It still lingers in the back of my mind though. You guys just seem too good to be true.

You are too good to be true, and that worries me. I guess we'll have to wait and see on that one, eh? 

I hope VidCon 2020 doesn't get cancelled. I was planning on going with one of my online friends. If anyone from the chat is reading this, can you hit zumi up and ask them if they're going??? Please and thank you.

I hope everyone has a great spring break, and a good coronacation.


	26. the last chapter of this bullshit and then im giving it away

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> im posting it to an orphan account now. at 4:26 AM in the morning.

3:56 AM

I'm done with this. I almost never write in it anymore, and when I do, I'm a sleep deprived little shit who doesn't even knwo what they're doing. That would be me right now actually, as it is nearly 4 am and I haven't had a wink of sleep. I hope you are all doing well with the whole virus thing happening, and I hope it hasn't affected you guys much or even at all. I know it affected me though. And for those other 8th or 12th graders, I'm sorry we have to miss gradbash (if you guys have it), and graduation and all that shit. I know how important it is to me, and so I just wanted to wish you guys the bestest. 

The fact that that last Friday I had at my school was the last day I might ever have scares me to death. I don't want to leave. It's not time for me to go yet. I need to graduate first, Go to gradventure like I've been waiting for half of my life. I can't leave this school knowing I missed out on something everyone before and after us has (had) the chance to. I want a turn to have fun with my friends, let loose for one time in my life.

Why couldn't it have been last year? Any other year but this goddammit. My life was just getting better. More tolerable. And now thats out the fucking window. I know I'm a shitty person, I know I didn't deserve those trips, but I did work hard to get to go. To graduate. To be with my friends. I was ready for the Algebra EOC, and I spent hours and hours studying for fucking nOTHING. NOTHING FROM THIS YEAR WAS WORTH SHIT. ALL OF THOSE DAYS CRYING MY FUCKING EYES OUT OVER A BAD TEST GRADE DON'T MATTER ANYMORE. I CRIED FOR FUCKING NOTHING. ITS NOT TIME.

I WAS JUST ACCEPTING THE FACT THAT IM NOT A CHILD ANYMORE. BUT RIGHT NOW? I FEEL LIKE A 2 YEAR OLD. A KID WHEN THEIR PARENTS DRAG THEM OUT OF THE STORE WHEN THE ALL MIGHTY LIMITIED EDITION GRADVENTURE TRIP IS RIGHT IN THEIR GRASP. WHEN FESTIVAL DISNEY IS ONE BREADTH AWAY.

ITS.

NOT.

FUCKING.

FAIR.

oh yeah stupid virus, just walk in and take one of my best years away from me. somethings ive worked for my whole middle school life.

all of those dumb trips my school used to take to the museum across the street seem like child's play now. how am i supposed to enjoy anything when something ive looked forward to forever, packed for, payed for, and planned for is gone? just sit back and let it happen? 

something that also devastates me is my end of the year concert. it was going to be great. that band program was my home away from home. my light in the darkness. and well shit, lets just take that away from reese too, why dontcha? goddamn im overreacting, aren't i?

but i miss it.

jfc i MISS IT

I MISS IT GODDANGITTTTTTTTTTTTTT

I MISS GOING TO SCHOOL EVERYDAY. SEEING ALL MY FRIENDS FACES WAS WORTH EVERY SINGLE SECOND OF SITTING IN THOSE COLD FUCING CLASSROOMS. NOW I CAN ONLY SEE THEM THROUGH A FUCKING SCREEN.

MY FRIEND HAD TO HAVE THEIR BIRTHDAY PARTY ON FACETIME. THEY HAD TO MAIL EVERYONE A SLICE OF CAKE. thank god it didnt mail expired. it was just fine.

just tasted like a bunch of holy shit my life fuckin sucks but im gonna put on a mask and give my friend their best 14th birthday. thats what friends are for. even if i felt like dying, i was still there. thats why i grew to you guys. you guys were always there, even when you had your own shit going on.

love you guys. i'll never forget you guys as long as i live. lets hope that means a long time.


End file.
